I wish you'd hold me when I turn my back

Dress: Tension

Belt: Olivia Boutique

Knee-socks: gifted

Flats: Steve Madden

Taken on a day when it was sunny and not uber chilly, so I decided to bust out the flats instead of boots.  In a strange mood while I write this.  The post title is a song lyric from a band I've recently started listening to, which is a little indie, a little country, and a lot of unusual for my ears.  Perhaps it's time to swing my musical tastes back to my original guitar strewn origins?  

Anyways, the title makes me think about the word vulnerable.  It's kind of a fun word to say, just rolling off the tongue like a rumbling drum roll, but it's a supremely difficult thing to be.  I find it extremely difficult to reveal that side of myself to a person and in fact in the past I would rather cut off my own hand than extend it out to someone in the hopes they would take it.  Rather than letting a person hurt me, I would preemptively hurt them first, so then in a sick way I would feel like I deserved what karma I got, because at least I got them before they hurt me.  Why does it feel worse to be the victim blindsided? 

It seems like we all have our complicated methodologies to protect ourselves.  Just like the song, we turn our backs to face away from the blow, while desperately hoping inside that it will be a caress instead.  I've been trying to change myself though. I could much more easily have built up walls around myself after being extremely hurt numerous times by people I loved, but I am a big sap and believe that maybe out there, is a person who won't let you down.  Maybe I've found it?  For the past year I would say, I think I have actually stopped being as afraid.  My back is still turned, but at least I can say I am looking back over my shoulder.